A New York State of Mind
by x Tessla x
Summary: Through Ryan's thoughts, he relays his childhood and his love for his sister. RyPay. Please read and review. THANKS!


**New York State of Mind **

**A/N: Don't own it. Please Read and Review. **

When I was little I used to dream about dragons in the night. I would climb up on them, fearless and excited, my blue eyes shining like my metal armor plates. When green scales touched my skin, I could feel the cool warmth. It's the only way I can describe the feeling because once I sat on that dragon, something within my heart felt warm and tingly even though the scales felt cold to the touch.

I still can't really understand the feeling, but it was something that I had never felt before in my waking moments. When I was awake, I felt cold both inside and out. Mother's hugs were always distant and unconcerning. I thought it was something that all mothers did, but when I went to my friend Matt's house, his mother's hugs would always be warm and by the end of them, I would be left feeling empty inside.

One morning I asked my mom about it, but she didn't answer in any way that I could understand. She grabbed her briefcase, and placed an unfeeling kiss on my forehead. "Go to school now Ryan" she said carelessly. "And I'll see you later on tonight."

When I was still young, I can remember crying every night thinking that my mother didn't love me. The tears would start at the dinner table as I looked out into an empty seat that should have been hers. "She's off at a meeting," my father would say if he were there. "She'll come peak her head in before you go to bed."

But she never did.

I would wait up until I could no longer see any stars in the skies. It was always in anticipation of a soft, "Hey Ry, Mommy's home," but it never happened. Instead Sharpay would come in, her eyes puffy just as mine were and we'd curl up together and fall asleep.

When I woke up the next morning, it was always to yelling. Mom would be furious, but I could never understand why. "I will not have them sharing the same bed!" she would shout at my father. "I will not stand for it. They are old enought to be sleeping a part. Besides, do you know what happens to children whose parents let them share a room, let alone a bed?"

My father apparently did but didnt' think anything of it. He would try to comfort her, but in the end, she would leave for work just as angry as always. I couldn't understand what would happen, but it couldn't be that bad if Dad didn't think it was.

Now I think I can see what it was Mom was so worried about. I don't know how it happened, or when it happened, but I know it did. Maybe it happened when Mom left us those two years ago. It was about the time Shar and I were in our freshman year at high school. I'm not quite sure how it brought us closer together. Losing Mom wasn't even the remote bit upsetting, even though that sound horrible.

But how could cause tears when I knew nothing about her. I could barely feel those light hugs and steel kisses. The distance she put between us even though we lived in the same house... It wasn't like she was gone. It was like she never existed before.

But when she left, Sharpay and I did get closer. We spent more time together than ever. Maybe it's because Mom wasn't there to tell us to stay apart. I don't know. All I can guess is that what Mother didn't want to happen, happened.

I fell for Shar.

Fell Hard.

I couldn't get her out of my mind no matter how hard I tred. I knew it was wrong, so very wrong but didn't Dad say that true love would conqure everything? Didn't he say that I had to take risks sometimes and that even though something didn't seem right to others didn't mean it was wrong in your heart?

I didn't know what to do.

So I followed her around, watching every little move that she made. Every flip of her hair made my heart beat faster and then sink to a shallow dull beat. And when she danced, my head twirlled around in circles trying to keep up with what my mind was thinking. The thoughts didn't seem as pure as her voice as she sang, but I couldn't help but think them.

If she caught me staring, I'd blush and pull my hat down lower. I couldn't keep this up. If anyone knew that I had a crush on my sister, I'd be dead. I would be more than dead. My father would reject me, my friends would reject me, but worst of all, Shar would reject me. If that happened, I don't know what I'd do. I couldn't think of anyway that I could live without her.

So, out came the hats

out came the shirts

out came the flamboyant boy

in blue and purple and green. When this happened the word spread so quickly. "Oh my God! Can you BELIEVE IT! Ryan's gay!"

And the other teen would gawk and say, "You mean SHARPAY's RYAN?" and the other girl would go "YES!" There it was, I was now gay, but I didn't mind. At least no one knew I was in love with Sharpay.

But the years passed with the Wildcats breaking apart to go to college and get degrees in Maths and Science. Shar went to LA to act in a new feature film and I, I took off those flamboyant clothes and I let out a sigh, a whisper of peace and stable mind.

The tears followed soon after, slow and sweet down my face to pool at my nose before reaching my lips in a slow tanatizing slither. And I could hear the voices behind me calling one last goodbye before the Wildcats boarded their separate planes. But when I turned around to shout one last goodbye, to take one last look at Shar in all of her beauty, she wasn't there. No one was there.

All that was there

Was an unmade bed

And a box

Marked

For New York.


End file.
